A Letter to Lindsay

Dear Lindsay,

hey sweetie, how ya doing? it seems things haven't been going well for you lately. Two DUIs in one month, with rehab in the middle, not a good summer. Why don't you sit down and get some friendly advice. Do you want a red bull? I just want to start this letter off by saying how much i love and adore you, You truely were a beacon of hope in a world filled with Hillary Duffs, and Amanda Bynes. But lately you're letting us down, and the gays need you, we've already lost Britney. You got a work on kickin' that nasty coke habit, and start making the films we've grown to love you for. We get it, you're no longer the sassy be-freckled red head of the Parent Trap, or the Teen Queen we've grown to love and root for in movies like Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, Mean Girls, and Herbie Fully Loaded (ok maybe not so much the last one, allthough i rooted for you in Herbie too!). The point is you're now grown up, and ready to be a big girl. But that means making risque movies, and donating your time and money to chariety, not boozing it up, and getting caught with coke in your pocket. I know you can turn it around though, and going back to the sassy trend setting fashionista i dream to be besties with one day, and i mean honestly who could ever really take your place in my heart. Don't fret though, not everything in the month of july has been a bust "I Know Who Killed Me" comes out tomorrow, and it's supposed to be really good. You're finally getting the chance to show off your acting chops, which you showed us in indie films like "Prairie Home Companion" and "Georgia Rule". Here are a couple things to think about and remember on your way back to becoming America's favorite little red head.

1. The title of rebel with out a cause has already been taken, and lets face it jimmy Dean perfected it, don't re-invent the wheel. Try creating a new label for the tabloids to call you, that doesn't have the words Drugs, Rehab, Party, or Pantiless in it.

2. find a normal bed time, i understand sunrise is beautifull, but unless you're seeing it from a hotel balony while wrapped up in sheets of egyptian cotton and a loved one, it's just not worth it. I know clubs are alluring and you love to go out and dance and have a good time just like every other young kid, but i'm plenty young and i love the dance floor as much as everyone else, and i still find time to hit the old sheets and wake up before two.

3. Your an actress, and you want to be taken seriously, so your taking alot of edgier roles. We get it. But seriously your not gonna get an Oscar doing "Just My Luck". I think it's great that you've gotten this far with out taking a lesson, and by trusting your instincts. But maybe it's time to get a private coach and do Broadway play, or go study theatre in London, I'm sure you'll be fine as long as you don't do any Neil Simon, or any other young star theatre cliches. Please what ever you do, don't be in "Chicago".

4. i know your mom is your best friend and all, and i'm sure she's a great manager. But i think it's time for someone else. Please stop letting Mama Rose talk about you in public, she's got the thickest rose tinted glasses i've ever seen. I'm sure your mom was a very sweet girl, but it's not helping your case when she says your acting just like she did as a teen.

5. Get your love life in check. I love the fact that you are a sexual person, but come on. Go find yourself a nice quiet boy who's out of the spotlight. Some one who has no problem telling you what to do, and keeping you in check.

No one wants to see you go. Look at Drew Barrymore, she turned it around. Honestly we love you Linds, so drop the coke and get it together, before Hillary Duff brings us another award winning film like"Raise Your Voice".

sincerly
kirk